Monopoly is terrible

Monopoly is a terrible, terrible game.

I can hear the mixed reactions already – the murmur of approval from some, outraged shock from others. For many people, Monopoly is what they think of immediately when board games are mentioned. It’s ingrained in the popular consciousness – the most common response to someone discovering that I like board games is to then say, “what, like Monopoly?”

This equating of Monopoly with board games has, unfortunately, ruined our relationship with the board game. It’s not just Monopoly‘s fault, of course, but it’s the main culprit – it shares some blame with Clue/Cluedo, Frustration, The Game of Life, and a few others. Board games, to most people, mean frustrating over-long games of random chance, or simple children’s games that simply are not appealing to adults.

“But I have good memories of playing Monopoly!” you may be thinking. But you don’t. What you do have are good memories of spending time with your friends and family, and having a nice time despite the awful game sitting between you, not because of it.

If you’re still not convinced, let me describe the what I think are the worst of Monopoly‘s problems.

Roll and move

Pick up the two dice, roll them, move that number of spaces, then do what’s required of you. Sometimes that will be paying money in rent or tax, sometimes it will be a Chance or Community Chest card, or maybe an opportunity to buy some property. What you don’t have, very often, is much in the way of choice. It’s either mandatory, or a simple yes or no.

Roll the dice, move five spaces, land on Super Tax. Pay £100. And pass the dice to the next player. Pick up the dice, roll, move. Pay rent to your opponent. Pick up the dice, roll, move. Do what’s required. And so on

Every space you land on in Monopoly is entirely determined by the roll of the dice, except the odd occasion when it’s determined by the flip of a card. The meaningful choices – when to buy hotels, when to buy property – is limited by these random die rolls. It’s no coincidence that this mechanic has fallen out of favour almost completely in board games – and when a game does use this mechanic, such as in Formula D, the player can choose which die to roll. The best games are about mitigating randomness and playing the odds. In Monopoly, more often than not the game is playing you.

The runaway leader & player elimination

It usually doesn’t take long to determine who will win a game of Monopoly. Unfortunately, the game has to continue several hours beyond this point to make this winner official. According to the official rules:

You are declared bankrupt if you owe more than you can pay either to another player or to the Bank…A bankrupt player must immediately retire from the game. The last player left in the game wins.

So in a four player game, three players need to be eliminated in order for the game to end. And for three people to be eliminated, one player is likely to have been the obvious winner for quite some time.

Monopoly creates a ‘runaway leader’ – as one player collects rent, he’s likely to invest it in houses and hotels and more property, causing higher rents. Meanwhile the other players have to sell houses and mortgage property to pay these rents. The balance tips in one player’s favour. This cycle continues until one or two players are rolling in cash and the others are reduced to penury. However, the £200 gained from passing Go keep them in the game a little longer… but not so they can ever catch up; that’s nearly impossible. It merely drags the game on for longer.

And what do the eliminated players do once they’re bankrupt? Do they merely watch the game miserably as it drags on to its conclusion? Player elimination is, like roll-and-move, rare in modern games, because a game that doesn’t involve everyone all through the game is not fun. Small World, for instance, lasts a set number of turns determined by the number of players. Settlers of Catan and Cosmic Encounter are a race to the required number of victory points. Almost no modern game requires the winning player to slowly grind his opponents down in order to win, and for good reason.

House rules

Auctions are oddly rare in Monopoly, even though it’s right there in the rules: If you do not wish to buy the property, the Banker sells it at auction to the highest bidder. Why is this? It’s probably because auctions are difficult, and Monopoly is seen as a family-friendly game – asking Little Jimmy to decide if a property is worth more than the current bid is tough, especially when all you were asking him to do a minute ago was roll dice and count. It’s not seen as fun, so it’s a rule that’s often ditched.

It’s the same with mortgages. Cards are flipped over, so they’re both owned and not-owned? And then I have to pay back an extra 10% to get it back? Seems weird and complicated. Probably best to get rid of mortgages too.

Then there’s Free Parking. Monopoly has quite a few spaces and cards that are punitive – and, because of roll and move, they’re arbitrarily punitive. It also has a space that does nothing. It’s no surprise that many people try to mitigate the random punishment by placing taxes and fines in the middle of the board, ready to be claimed by anyone landing on Free Parking. All this does, however, is drag the game on for longer, as players who should have been eliminated are still rolling in dough after a lucky roll.

House rules are, in general, a bad sign. If a game is fun, why does it need all of these extra rules? Players are, unwittingly, trying to fix a game that isn’t fun.

It’s not a game

Of course it’s a game. It’s got a board, and dice, and cards, and – eventually – a winner. But the overwhelming majority copies of Monopoly are not games, but instead are souvenirs, or are merely decorative. That’s why they’re released in so many iterations – Family Guy Monopoly, Lord of the Rings Monopoly, Tehran Monopoly, Arsenal Monopoly. It’s not a game to be played, it’s a piece of merchandise to be bought to celebrate something else that you like.

Monopoly is terrible. Throw your copy away. Never inflict it on anyone as a gift. Play better games.

The excellent images on this post are creative commons-licensed photos by Mark Strozier… used because I can’t take photos of a game I refuse to own.